Well its my 6th page of jokes, if you made it this far you must liek waht you seeing. Hope you enjoy these as much as the other pages.
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Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says, "John what are you so happy for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!" The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?" "Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!" A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin' over a beer. Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and..... She had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick, Dave, and I CAN'T SWIM!"
10 Sayings We'd Like To See On Office Posters Submitted By: MrJones 1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them. 2. If you can stay calm while all around you are in chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. 3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. 4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat. 6. Plagiarism saves time. 7. If at first you don't succeed, try management. 8. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 9. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. 10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student swallows the pill and has new knowledge about English literature! Impressed, he asks, "What else do you have?" "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, swallows them, and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?" The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment." He goes back into the storeroom and returns with a whopper of a pill that he plunks on the counter. "I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know--math always was a little hard to swallow."
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
You may be a geek if... You have ever sent E-mail to someone sitting next to you. You have ever had a dream involving computers. You have ever modified an ini file. You would sell your grandmother for more bandwidth. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. You get up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your E-mail on your way back to bed. You've entered that USR X2 contest so many times you get e- mail saying "Forget it, Mike you are not going to win, just go buy the modem". You know what the USR X2 contest is. If you have ever dozed off while at the computer. Have ever e-mailed yourself . The tech support folks at your ISP call YOU for the tough ones. You have more than one copy of the same version of software on your machine. You have ever submitted a tip to windows95.com. You have ever chatted with someone while talking to them on the phone. You are surprised that there are other real foods besides pizza.
A man is driving down a lonely road in northern Nevada when he passes a sign; SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES He thinks it was a figment of his imagination - and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - WELCOME! He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks..."What may we do for you my son? "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."
Two guys sitting in a bar. One says to his buddy, " What do you do if you come home and find your wife fucking your best friend?" His buddy answers, " I throw her ass out into the street along with her clothes." "Yeah, but what about your Best Friend?" "Hell, a rolled up newspaper and a "BAD DOG" will take care of that!"
A Good Mystery A mystery-lover take his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, "follow me." The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle. "Thanks so much," says the theatergoer, "This seat is perfect." He then hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick."
Drumming Up Business A guy walks into a post office one day to see a very well-dressed, middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on a huge stack of bright pink envelopes. Each envelope has hearts all over it. The man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Q. What is a man's view of safe sex? A. A padded headboard.
*You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
*While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock", the man replied. "How's it work?" the friend asked. "Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall. "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two o'clock in the morning!
Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? Because they have cotton balls. Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday Why is being in the military like a blowjob? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the Francis and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...thatphrase...in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
The Watermelon Patch... There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought he comes up with a clever idea that he thinks will scare the kids away for sure. So he makes up a sign and posts it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, which says, "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." So the kids run off and make up their own sign, which they post next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next day to look over his field. He notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives over to the sign and takes a look. It says,"Now there are two".
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
Porsche 911 Twin Turbo & Moped A very self-important young man goes out and buys what he believes is the best car available: a 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world. That night, he takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light. An old man on a mo-ped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It cost me $100,000." "That's a lot of money," replies the old man. "Why do they cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly. The mo-ped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his mo-ped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911 Turbo?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the mo-ped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a mo-ped outrun a Porsche 911 Turbo?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh-BLAMMM! It plows into the back of his car. The young man jumps out. It is the old man! Of course, the mo-ped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man groans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror, please."
Top 10 Signs Your Cat is Planning to Kill You! 1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. 2. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill. 3. He actually _does_ have your tongue. 4. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch. 5. Cyanide pawprints all over the house. 6. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed. 7. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip. 8. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on. 9. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper. 10. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who get in position at the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?" "My car broke down," says the lady, calmly. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop. And she said... This is good...) (Ready?) (Remember, she's a blonde...) "Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
Gas Service Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two are, I figured I'd better run too!"
Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, which provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!" The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now." So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, faceup, totally unconscious. The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should, you know, screw her?" The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"
Minnesota friends!!

FRIENDS:Will stand guard while u take a piss.
MINNESOTA FRIENDS: Will shine a spotlight on you while your drunk ass is taking a piss in the bushes.


FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs
MINNESOTA FRIENDS: Call your parents drunk as hell and tell them about the fat chick you tried to pick up


FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that no one is late for the ride home.
MINNESOTA FRIENDS: Know some wild shit will happen, and set up rally points.


FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
MINNESOTA FRIENDS: Will be sitting next to you saying, Damn...that shit was fun "

FRIENDS: Cry with you.
MINNESOTA FRIENDS: laugh at you


FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
MINNESOTA FRIENDS: Steal each other's stuff so often nobody remembers who bought it in the first place.


FRIENDS: Are happy that someone picked up a one night stand and leave them alone.
MINNESOTA FRIENDS: Will Crawl naked into the room with a camera and hope for the tag team.


FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
MINNESOTA FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.


FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
MINNESOTA FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.


FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
MINNESOTA FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"


FRIENDS: Will try and talk to the bouncer when you get tossed out of the bar.
MINNESOTA FRIENDS: Will buck up and go after the bouncer for touching you on the way out.


FRIENDS: Will wish you had enough money to go out that night, and are sorry you couldn't come.
MINNESOTA FRIENDS: Will share their last dollar with you, drag you along, and try to steal free drinks all night.


FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
MINNESOTA FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "You better drink the rest of that shit, you know we don't waste. That's alcohol abuse!!!" HAHAHAHA !!!!


FRIENDS: Want the money they loaned you back next week.
MINNESOTA FRIENDS: Can't begin to remember who owes who money after taking care of each other for so long.


FRIENDS: Will say "I can't handle Tequila anymore".
MINNESOTA FRIENDS: Will say "okay, just one more..." and then 2 minutes later "okay, just one more!".


FRIENDS: Will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.
MINNESOTA FRIENDS: Will knock them the Fuck out!!