|
|||||||
(Warning some jokes maybe offencive to some viewers) |
|||||||
 |
|||||||
|
Q: what is black and fuzzy and hangs from the celing? A: a blond electrition. ________________________________________ Q: why is it always good to have a blond in the car. A: so you can park in the handicaped zone. ________________________________________ Q: Why did god put men on earth? A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. ________________________________________ Q: what is the diffence between a paycheck and you dick? A: you don't have to beg your wife to blow a paycheck. ________________________________________ A guy says to his friend, "I can't remember if the doctor told me that my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's." His friend says, "Drive her to the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her." ________________________________________ As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" ________________________________________ There are three guys and a stripper. The stripper dances over to the first guy and starts doing her dance. The guy pulls out a 50-dollar bill, licks it and sticks it on her left butt cheek. Then she makes her way to the second guy, who pulls out a 20-dollar bill, licks it, and sticks it to her right butt cheek. As she makes her way to the third guy he looks in his wallet and realizes he has no money. So he's thinking what do I do? The stripper finally makes it over to him and starts doing her dance. The third guy pulls out his ATM card, swipes her butt crack, and takes the other two bills off her butt. ________________________________________ JOKE OF THE DAY: First Time A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." ________________________________________ Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. ________________________________________ Q:there are three tampons which one will talk to you? A: none of them they are all stuck up cunts. ________________________________________ Q: how can you tell if a blond is having a bad day? A: she has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil. ________________________________________ Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive!" ________________________________________ Q: how can you tell a blond has been in your refrigiator? A: by the lipstick on the cucumbers. ________________________________________ Q. How is a blonde female like a Windows PC? A. They crash all the time; They never work; They always make errors; They can only do one thing at a time well; They clear their memory with each power down; They don't reconize their users; They never cooperate with each other; and most of all they really really suck. ________________________________________ The first ovary says: "Do you like music?" "No, why?", replies the second. "Cuz two nuts are trying to push an organ up here" ________________________________________ JOKE OF THE DAY: TOP 10 THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. ________________________________________ A teacher was trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones, and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of Lifesavers, more flavors than you could imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored Lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the Lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys! They're assholes!" ________________________________________ There are two gay men living together. One morning one of them wakes up and hears strangesounds coming from the bathroom. He walks in only to see his partner jacking off with a condom on. Surprised, he asks, "What the hell are you doing?" His partner replies "Oh, I was just packing your lunch." ________________________________________ A just-married couple's on a plane on the way to their honeymoon. The wife turns to her new husband and says, "Honey, how will I let you know at night when I want to have sex?" He says, "Simple. Any night you want to have sex, reach over and tug on my dick. And any night you don't want to have sex, tug on it about three hundred and fifty times." ________________________________________ Q: What did the blond get fired from the M&M factory A: because she threw all the w's out ________________________________________ A lady says to her doctor, "My husband has been complaining that my vagina has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't smell anything." The doctor examines her, and then says, "You need an operation." She asks, "On my vagina?" He says, "No. On your nose." ________________________________________ FOLLOW THE PLOW A blonde got lost in her car in a terrible snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her, "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot. Now you can follow me over to K-Mart! ________________________________________ Rodeo Sex - That is when you mount your wife doggy style, then in the middle of having sex you lean over and whisper in her ear, "Your sister has a tighter pussy than you." Then watch out and hold on. ________________________________________ JOKE OF THE DAY: Rooster and a Donkey If I have a rooster and you have a donkey and your donkey bites off my roosters feet, what do you have? Two feet of my cock in your ass. ________________________________________ Q: What do you call a truck full of dildos? A: Toys for twats. ________________________________________ What do electric trains and breasts have in common? They're intended for children, but the men usually end up playing with them. ________________________________________ It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!" Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!" ________________________________________ JOKE OF THE DAY: A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL" ________________________________________ A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony." ________________________________________ If you have any jokes you would like me to put on here e-mail me at cfrverdi@yahoo.com |
|||||||
|
|
|||||||
|
|
|||||||
|
|
|||||||
|
|
|||||||
|
|||||||
|
